Most people are aware of postpartum depression, but aren't so aware of postpartum anxiety. No new mom wants to admit that she has no idea what she's doing, that she's too overwhelmed, or having constant worry that she's doing something wrong. Every mom wants to be viewed as strong and happy when baby is brought home. That's not always the case.
I'm not saying that I wasn't excited to be a mom, because I was. The moment I laid my eyes on her I was in love. However, when I brought my daughter home I was scared and somewhat lost. What new mom wouldn't be?
How do I know when to feed her? Is she too hot or too cold? Is she breathing? Am I holding her right? How do I burp her? Is she latching? The list could go on and on. And that's only when she gets home from the hospital.There are more questions as she gets older with every month!
I'm sure every new mom has a million and one questions she asks herself and others on how to take care of her perfect little human. However, a mother who suffers with anxiety has a much harder time with these questions.
Anxiety has always been a part of my life, worry has plagued the way I think and function. I knew when I had my baby my anxiety would become worse. I would be the worried, hovering mom that didn't give herself a break. The thing is I can't help it. I need to find an answer or similar experience to mine and if I can't seem to find it, I obsess and research until my mind is at ease.
When I realized my anxiety had increased I didn't know if it was my everyday anxiety or postpartum anxiety. What does make sense is that with postpartum anxiety... "a mom may have constant worries about the baby's health and development, her ability to be a good parent, and how she's going to balance work and home or care for multiple children. She may become restless and moody, or experience physical symptoms like a rapid heartbeat, dizziness, nausea, or insomnia."
My anxiety rarely makes it to the physical symptoms and I understand that my postpartum anxiety may not be as severe as others. Everyone's symptoms, worries, and stories are different. My biggest symptom is my racing thoughts and jumping to the worse case scenario. Since I had my daughter, I rarely have had anxiety regarding anything else in my life. What if I am doing wrong by my baby? I can't mess up, I need to be on top of everything or something bad may happen. I may start to feel I am an incapable mom, a mom that is not trying hard enough, a mom that is afraid her best is not good enough. That is why with every question or rough patch we come across I research and obsess until I find a way to make it easier, better, more efficient. I can't always find a way and that is when I break down and feel like I have failed. In reality I have not failed, I have done my best, even if my best is draining me from the inside out.
My daughter, after she was born, had a hard time gaining weight. We visited her doctor every week to check her weight. The doctor wasn't worried but try telling a new mom with worry issues not to worry. To make sure she was getting enough in a day my husband and I started a log of how many ounces she ate and at what time. It was helpful for us and the doctor so we knew she was getting enough. The thing is, after she was cleared by doctor because she was gaining consistent weight, this feeding log went on until she was 6 months old. For 6 months, every day, 5 times per day. That probably sounds excessive to most but it wad my assurance that my baby was ok. She is in the smaller percentile for weight, even now at 9 months and that is probably why one of my anxieties focuses so much on her feeding.
Numbers and averages are a huge thing for me. I don't just think, I obsess. I have been told from the very beginning that every baby is different, that they all grow and develop at different paces. I know that from an intellectual, outside perspective but my brain tells me otherwise. It tells me that my baby is not eating enough, she isn't gaining enough weight, there could be something wrong, and it could be my fault. In reality she has always been a happy healthy baby, just a small one. I know the problem isn't with her, the problem isn't even with me, the problem is the way that I think.
I want to bring light to postpartum anxiety. I want mom's who are feeling this way to know that they are not alone in the way they are feeling. I want it to be known it can manifest itself in different ways and I want it to be known just like postpartum depression is known.
I want you to know that this too shall pass. That what is happening in this very moment is temporary. What you are worried or stressed about now will not even matter in time to come. You are doing your best for your baby and that is all that matters.
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