Don't Try So Hard

I used to be the mom that tried her absolute hardest to be the best she could be. I would research everything that I wasn't sure I was doing right. I would try to make my daughter happy every second of every day. I would worry, think, plan, and schedule out everything she needed. I wouldn't want to leave the house because I knew in an hour she HAD to eat and she WON'T eat if we're out. I wouldn't want to plan things because she HAD to nap at that time. This list can go on and on. The truth is, my baby is not going to tell me I was a failure because she didn't eat or sleep at a specific time. I just felt that way myself. I knew it was irrational but my OCD is irrational and completely  over dramatic.

Today, I look back and I have come so far. Sure, I still worry, think, and plan. I still get anxious when I'm out of the house with her and her nap time is coming up. I will never be a "go with the flow" kind-of mom. My baby's needs come first, and if that means I have to be home by a certain time because she has to take a nap, then so be it.

When I say I have come a long way, i didn't do it on my own. I have help with medication, therapy, and my incredible husband. I now can feed my daughter in the car and she will eat a good amount. I now can tolerate her being unhappy or fussy for a minute. I don't research anymore, it only results in me feeling more overwhelmed or upset. It helps that as she grows and develops she falls into her own schedule without me enforcing one. It also helps that she is more fun to be around now as she has grown. I can sort-of predict what is coming up next or what she needs.

I used to hate hearing from other moms, "oh, it gets better." I was waiting months for that "better." With my anxiety my perception of "better" is different. I really dont know what that is yet, but i do feel  better than what I felt months ago. I don't force myself the try my absolute hardest anymore. She doesn't need perfection, she just needs me. If I continued trying my absolute hardest I would not have gotten to where I am today. Now I just try because with just trying my expectations aren't so high. I am appreciating my daughter in the moment instead of trying to be the perfect mother. Of course, I still worry, in fact, I over worry, but all that matters is that I know my baby is fed, she is safe, and she is loved.

I still have a ways to go in becoming a confident mother. Everyday I'm learning about my daughter, I'm learning about myself as a mother.  I don't want her to grow up thinking that trying her absolute hardest is the only way to be successful. I want her to know her best is enough.

Letting Go of the Uncontrollable

Even before I had my daughter I struggled with aspects of my life that I could not control. For me, being out of control means that chaos could be around the corner. If things aren't done the way I do them, something bad could happen. This isn't the way I feel with everything in life but with things may affect comfort level.

Well having a baby is the biggest way to learn how to let go of control. No matter how hard I tried to get my daughter on a daily schedule in the first 6 months, it didn't happen. I would hear how other mom's would get their baby on a schedule and look at those example schedules online. Nothing worked. Her naps were so inconsistent, still are. She would take naps anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hours and you'd never know which one it would be. It would drive me nuts. I craved order and routine so bad but she was not giving me any hope to having that. Of course I don't blame her, she's a baby, she does what her body tells her to.

Months later I finally got better with not trying so hard. It goes back to lowering your expectations and not forcing it. I was exhausted trying so hard and getting nowhere. I finally told myself she isn't ready to take long naps, that she is still learning to get through the sleep process. She is a catnapper, I am done trying to make it any different. When I finally let that stress go I felt so much better. Now instead of being angry that she only slept 30 min I was just happy that she napped and went to sleep without a fight.

What's so hard with raising a baby is that in the first year they are constantly growing and changing. For so long when trying to put her down for a nap after 2 hours of being awake she would fight it, cry or play, anything but fall asleep. I finally realized that she wasn't tired at the 2 hr mark like she used to be. I was so focused on her getting the sleep she needed. I was too afraid of having her get to the over tired stage that I didnt even think i was doing something wrong until my overthinking came in. I was trying to force her to sleep without her being tired. So I lengthened her awake times. A mom told me that she used the 2-3-4 method. After she woke up in the morning I waited 2 hours. After she woke up from that nap I waited 3 hours, then waited until bedtime. She eventually grew accustomed to this schedule around 7 months and boy, did it do a lot of good for the both of us. She is now taking longer naps although some may be short, it doesn't matter because as long as she wakes up happy that's all that matters.

Another thing is stressing about the amount of formula and food she gets. I know I can't force feed her because I feel like she needs more. She is to tell me when she's full or not hungry. I'm placing my expectations on her. I have learned that even if she has not eaten what I think she should she is still getting what she needs.

Now this just didn't happen overnight it took months. I was just so tired of worrying about something I could not control. It may have just been that but also working on my self and going to therapy has also helped. I still get a little annoyed if she doesn't eat the amount she usually does but she is not starving and there are times where I don't feel like eating much either, she's human. There is just no point to stress about it although it's easier said than done. It takes time.

Ways to Overcome Postpartum Anxiety

Now that I have explained postpartum anxiety and have given you a look into my story, I want to give some advice to those who obsess and worry like me.

 

So, from one anxiety mom to another, I want to give you some ways that ease my mind when it comes to postpartum anxiety in hopes that it can help you too. (These are easier said than done, I am still working on them myself, but with practice we can do it.)

 

Do Not Compare
Your baby and your friends baby are not the same. The averages that the internet or percentile graphs give you are not important. You have an average or above average size baby? Cool. Smaller than average baby? That's ok. As long as doctor says baby is healthy and growing at his or her own pace everything else shouldn't matter. This also goes for milestones, it is not a race, it's a marathon and everybody finishes. Every baby grows and develops differently and at different times there is nothing you can do to change it. It is out of your control.

 

Google, be Gone
Well, not completely gone. This one kind of goes along with the previous tip, but Google and I have had a love/hate relationship since baby was born. There is so much information, why not look? I'm not saying it's a bad thing to do some research or look for advice on the internet but for a mom that has constant worry it can be crippling. Every single question you have regarding baby does not need to be looked up. It can lead you into a deep hole where you are just stuck with worry and are even more confused. If you have questions call your pediatrician's office. If you feel like you need to go in and see your pediatrician than do so. It feels impossible at times to know how, what, when something needs to be done for baby. We've never done this before and this is a living, breathing life. The pressure is extraordinary to do the best you can even though you feel you have no idea what your doing. So, getting mixed messages from mom's online who do not know your baby is the wrong way to get answers.

 

Lower Your Expectations/ Don't Force It
Your baby may not be ready for certain things you feel like she needs. Like getting your baby on a schedule. I obsessed on having my daughter get onto a schedule because that is what eases MY mind. There are example schedules out there that moms put on the internet because it worked for them. When to feed baby, when baby goes down for nap, blah, blah, blah. You can try but it does not mean it will work for your baby. Some babies are easy to get on a schedule and follow it day in and day out and some babies, like mine, don't form any kind of schedule until they are developmentally ready. Same with starting solid foods. Some babies may start eating solid foods at 4 months and some may not be ready until they are 8 months. Another would be sleeping through the night or night weaning. Do not force something on baby because YOU think it is best or it needs to be done. At times I believe she should be eating a certain amount, but who am I to tell her when she is hungry or full. This goes back to every baby is different. Stressing that your baby is behind because they aren't doing what other babies are doing at their age just make you feel worse. It will all fall into place when baby is ready.

 

Occupy Your Mind
Up until recently, every time my daughter went down for a nap I would start my online, how-to, baby research. Looking for answers that really did me no good in the end. It actually made it worse. I would use my whole free time searching for, now what seems, nothing that truly helped. Again, advice that did not work for me and my baby. Then, when she woke up from her nap I feel like I just put her down. Days feel so long being a stay at home mom, during nap times you should do what you love. Take care of yourself, don't add to the stress of your day by doing unnecessary research. I started reading again. I love psychological thrillers. Takes my mind off of my stress and worry and puts it into a whole other world, even if its for just a half hour. Take a bath, catch up on your shows, knit, do a puzzle, workout, anything that doesn't have to do with baby. If you are like me, put your phone away during that time, that is the biggest advice I could give. I know it may seem impossible since all we do now-a-days is search social media but give yourself a much needed mommy break. It's one of the reasons I started this blog. Yes, it has to do with baby but it also clears my head.

Collect Evidence and Confront Your Fears
This one is the hardest for me. I wouldn't have even thought about doing this if it weren't for my therapist. It sounds silly but one of mine was feeding my daughter her bottle somewhere other than our home. She is a very distracted eater and I felt that she would not eat as much if not at home. It made me very uncomfortable even thinking about it. With her being a smaller baby and gaining weight slowly I wanted her to get all the calories she needed. I still have not fed her in a public place but my first step was feeding her in the car (parked of course.) So I tried it one day when we were out and she ate a good amount. All I needed was to try something that was out of my comfort zone and give my brain the evidence it needed. The evidence being that my baby CAN eat well outside of the house. Again, this may seem silly to others but that's what anxiety can do to someone, put irrational thoughts inside our mind. So, I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone, even if it's a baby step. The more you do it, the less your anxiety can hold it against you.

Mindfulness
This one is even harder, in fact I am no where near accomplishing this. Mindfulness = a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Living in the present moment feels impossible when you live with anxiety. With anxiety we always focus on the future, what might happen, and how we can control it. Mindfulness means not worrying or dwelling. I have read, and am currently reading again, a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. In the very beginning he explains that who you are is not what you think, you are separate beings. Breaking away from toxic thinking takes time but I believe it can be possible. I try to take moments to look at my daughter and take mental pictures of her in the present moment. Everyday feels so long but I know in the grand scheme of things time flies and I want to remember her being this little.

Asking for Help
Many people feel like asking for help means that they have failed or are weak. In reality when you acknowledge that you can't overcome something on your own and ask for help, you are strong. Maybe this means seeing a therapist. Maybe this means starting a medication. Maybe this means praying. Maybe it means doing all three. Since I was in grade school I have been on an anti-anxiety/depressant medication. It was used for treatment of General Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It changed my life. Flash forward to today where I have increased the dose of that same medication. I pray more than I ever have. I ask God for patience and strength but I also thank Him for everything in life He has given me to make me so blessed. I started seeing a therapist when my daughter was around 3 months old. She has given me coping skills, advice, ways to overcome my anxiety, and at the very least someone to listen. So, if you believe you have had enough of feeling, thinking, worrying the way you do, ask for help.

These tips are coming from what I have learned about helping myself overcome postpartum anxiety. I still have a long way to go and I know I will always be someone who has an anxious mind but practicing these have helped me realize that I am stronger than my anxiety. Some of them may not work for you. The biggest thing to know is that you do not have to feel this way. You do not have go through this alone. If you need help, get it, and do it sooner than later. You won't be sorry.

What About Postpartum Anxiety?

Most people are aware of postpartum depression, but aren't so aware of postpartum anxiety. No new mom wants to admit that she has no idea what she's doing, that she's too overwhelmed, or having constant worry that she's doing something wrong. Every mom wants to be viewed as strong and happy when baby is brought home. That's not always the case.
 

I'm not saying that I wasn't excited to be a mom, because I was. The moment I laid my eyes on her I was in love. However, when I brought my daughter home I was scared and somewhat lost. What new mom wouldn't be?

 

How do I know when to feed her?  Is she too hot or too cold? Is she breathing? Am I holding her right? How do I burp her? Is she latching? The list could go on and on. And that's only when she gets home from the hospital.There are more questions as she gets older with every month!

I'm sure every new mom has a million and one questions she asks herself and others on how to take care of her perfect little human. However, a mother who suffers with anxiety has a much harder time with these questions.

 

Anxiety has always been a part of my life, worry has plagued the way I think and function. I knew when I had my baby my anxiety would become worse. I would be the worried, hovering mom that didn't give herself a break. The thing is I can't help it. I need to find an answer or similar experience to mine and if I can't seem to find it, I obsess and research until my mind is at ease.

When I realized my anxiety had increased I didn't know if it was my everyday anxiety or postpartum anxiety. What does make sense is that with postpartum anxiety... "a mom may have constant worries about the baby's health and development, her ability to be a good parent, and how she's going to balance work and home or care for multiple children. She may become restless and moody, or experience physical symptoms like a rapid heartbeat, dizziness, nausea, or insomnia."

 

My anxiety rarely makes it to the physical symptoms and I understand that my postpartum anxiety may not be as severe as others. Everyone's symptoms, worries, and stories are different. My biggest symptom is my racing thoughts and jumping to the worse case scenario. Since I had my daughter, I rarely have had anxiety regarding anything else in my life. What if I am doing wrong by my baby? I can't mess up, I need to be on top of everything or something bad may happen. I may start to feel I am an incapable mom, a mom that is not trying hard enough, a mom that is afraid her best is not good enough. That is why with every question or rough patch we come across I research and obsess until I find a way to make it easier, better, more efficient. I can't always find a way and that is when I break down and feel like I have failed. In reality I have not failed, I have done my best, even if my best is draining me from the inside out.

 

My daughter, after she was born, had a hard time gaining weight. We visited her doctor every week to check her weight. The doctor wasn't worried but try telling a new mom with worry issues not to worry. To make sure she was getting enough in a day my husband and I started a log of how many ounces she ate and at what time. It was helpful for us and the doctor so we knew she was getting enough. The thing is, after she was cleared by doctor because she was gaining consistent weight, this feeding log went on until she was 6 months old. For 6 months, every day, 5 times per day. That probably sounds excessive to most but it wad my assurance that my baby was ok. She is in the smaller percentile for weight, even now at 9 months and that is probably why one of my anxieties focuses so much on her feeding.

 

Numbers and averages are a huge thing for me. I don't just think, I obsess. I have been told from the very beginning that every baby is different, that they all grow and develop at different paces. I know that from an intellectual, outside perspective but my brain tells me otherwise. It tells me that my baby is not eating enough, she isn't gaining enough weight, there could be something wrong, and it could be my fault. In reality she has always been a happy healthy baby, just a small one. I know the problem isn't with her, the problem isn't even with me, the problem is the way that I think.

 

I want to bring light to postpartum anxiety. I want mom's who are feeling this way to know that they are not alone in the way they are feeling. I want it to be known it can manifest itself in different ways and I want it to be known just like postpartum depression is known.

 

I want you to know that this too shall pass. That what is happening in this very moment is temporary. What you are worried or stressed about now will not even matter in time to come. You are doing your best for your baby and that is all that matters.

Learn more about postpartum anxiety:

http://www.parents.com/parenting/moms/healthy-mom/the-other-postpartum-problem-anxiety/

https://www.anxietybc.com/parents/new-moms/feeling-anxious/recognizing-post-partum-anxiety

 

You Either Have it or You Don't

I want to touch on the topic of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A lot of times people miss use the abbreviation because they don't actually know what it stands for, they have just heard it before and  just assume it's a funny adjective to describe their actions. I know they don't mean to offend anyone by using it this way, they are just uneducated. As someone who is clinically diagnosed with OCD I don't take offense but instead would like to spread the word.

Once I was in the store waiting in line to check out and I hear one line over "Sorry, I sort of have OCD when placing my groceries on the conveyer belt." I just shook my head and pretend I didn't hear it. In reality it is thrown around ALL THE TIME. Uneducated people view it as being orderly, needing to have things a certain way, being extra clean or organized. I'm sure a lot of them don't even know what OCD stands for. --- FYI people the D stands for Disorder which is not to be taken lightly. When someone has a disorder it means that there is something going on within them is something out of their control.

That is why in this post I would like to provide some education when it comes to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I will define each letter of the abbreviation and will use a couple examples as they pertain to me.

Obsessive - "Unwanted, repetitive and intrusive ideas, urges or images frequently well up in the mind of the person with OCD. Persistent paranoid fears, an unreasonable concern with becoming contaminated, or an excessive need to do things perfectly, are common."

In the Past: I would have obsessive thoughts that my house would catch on fire or someone would break into my house and hurt me or my family.

Currently: I have obsessive thoughts that I am doing right by my baby because I am a first time mom.
It's extremely hard to stop thinking of what I should do or when I should do them in regards to raising her.
Compulsive - "In response to their obsessions, most people with OCD resort to repetitive behaviors, or compulsions... These behaviors generally are intended to ward off harm to the person with OCD or to others. Some people with OCD have regimented rituals. Performing the rituals in the same manner provides the person some relief from anxiety and a sense of control, but this is only temporary."
To make my obsessive thoughts go away in an anxious moment I would...

In the past: Check the locks to make sure they were locks. Check the stove and candles to make sure they were off/out.

Currently: I will do research on whatever I am not sure of when it comes to my daughter until I have an idea of what to do.

Now when I said "make the thoughts go away" they don't go away entirely, they will come back. Just in that anxious moment those with OCD will do these repetitive behaviors to calm their obsessions or worries until the next time they come up. Like in the example of checking locks and the stove, I wouldn't just check them once, I would check them and stare at them until my brain clicks and realizes that, yes, they are off, they are locked; now you can relax.

Disorder -  Dictionary.com defines it as: A disturbance or derangement that affects the function of mind or body.

Now that we know what the abbreviation means, do you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? If you use it in the way as the lady at the grocery store, you are using it to describe your "silly" actions. Those that are diagnosed don't just throw around "OCD" in public or for fun because we know how damaging it is to have and it is not silly to us.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder

First Time Post

The reason I thought about starting a blog was to share what I am feeling with other mom's that are feeling the same way I have been. I never thought I would work up the little energy I have left to even start something to do on my own. I normally start things that I don't finish and then forget about it until the next thing I want to try. So, for this I am going to hold myself accountable. I guess some posts are going to sound like journal entries, some are going to give my amateur, or should I say newbie, advice when it comes to what I have learned during my short time of being a new mother.

I became a mom November 2016. During my whole pregnancy I was not so worried about becoming a mom, which is nonsense if you know me. I worry about worries that haven't even happened and probably won't happen.

You see, growing up I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. So naturally my brain is wired different than other worrying moms and/or women. My OCD is mostly focused around safety for myself and my family. The feeling of needing to accomplish a task so that something bad does not happen is what I have done since I can remember. So you can imagine, after having a baby it has gotten worse. Sure, any new mom will have anxieties and worries of what to do and how to care for this perfect little soul she brought into the world, but my anxieties and worries are exacerbated to the extent that it consumes most of my thoughts. So, my everyday anxiety has turned into postpartum anxiety.

So this blog, like I mentioned previously, will sometimes be a journal entry like today; however, I want this to become more than that. I strive to help people who have similar situations, feelings, thoughts, strengths, and weaknesses and me. I want to inspire someone, open someone's mind, encourage someone to ask for help, educate someone on mental health. I want to have hope and I want to give hope.

You don't need to be a mom to read my blog, if anyone does read my blog. Who knows, this could just be an outlet to get my brain to take a break or, even better, get the thoughts that circle around in my head 24/7 onto "paper."